Carol Cail

ALL THIS IS TRUE--WHY WOULD I MAKE IT UP?


Another little catalog arrived in the mail today. Leafing through it,
I encounter numerous intriguing come-ons.

"Clothes Won't Fall Off," one blurb reads;
"Prevent Clothes from Slipping," another promises,
and here's another even more alarming--"Pants Won't Slide Off
Ever Again." Ahh, but now I see all these items are for clothes hangers.

What's this? "Enjoy a Deeper Bath." This gadget suction-cups to cover the overflow drain, so you can fill the tub to overflowing. Isn't this a little like disabling the smoke detector so you won't have to listen to the annoying squeal?

Now here, this is more sensible--a microwave radiation
detector. Wave it around the doors and vent of your microwave and
a green light means okay, red means you've found a leak. But how
do we know that the radiation detector is working properly? A
careful search of the rest of the page indicates no radiation
detector detector is available at any price.

You need this. "Invisible Socks." I could swear that I can
see them in the accompanying photo. Reading further, I understand
that the socks are only invisible when you have sneakers on.
Awesome.

Right next door is something else having to do with socks.
"Stop Struggling With Your Socks," the copy begins. (This must be for the same poor soul whose pants keep sliding off.) My advice is, don't buy invisible socks and you won't struggle with them much.

Another place you can save your money is the "Timer [that]
Hangs Around Your Neck." I bought one of these elsewhere, and the
problem is it works. Set it to go off in up to 60 minutes, hang it around your neck and forget it, and when it goes off, you'll leap toward the ceiling, come down across the room, and have to pull up your socks and pants.

Many of the catalog's offerings have to do with bathroom
implements. You can buy a holder to "Keep 2 Rolls of Toilet
Tissue Handy," which seems a bit excessive, or, alternatively, you
can mystify and annoy your guests by incorporating an accessory
that "Keeps Toilet Paper Out of Sight." Here is also where to buy
the seat that automatically lowers itself--"As Seen On Oprah!"--no
doubt as much fun as the toilet designed to flush itself--or not--
at inopportune times. Nearby, a headline exhorts, "Stop Wiggling
Toilet Seats." Hey, I don't wiggle them, do you?

Unlike less tasteful catalogs, this one offers no embarrassing personal items. I'm titillated by the heading "Reach Into Every Nook and Cranny," but the photo of a trio of bottle scrapers is not in the least erotic.

Enough of that. I toss aside the catalog and pick up today's
newspaper. A department store ad for men's slacks springs out to
grab me: "GUARANTEED IN STOCK, IN YOUR SIZE, OR IT'S FREE."

Hey, invisible slacks to go with your socks!

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